six reasons to not date me!

I recently read a brilliant article on Buzzfeed, which talks about 24 signs why dating isn’t for you. I can totally relate to this article because that’s exactly how I feel about dating. Dating/ Romance happens to be a skill missing from my repertoire of social skills. I cannot date/ romance to save my life. Inspired by this Buzzfeed article, I made a list of reasons as to why I am still single and not capable to mingle:

1. I love my parents. You may wonder how this is related to me being single. Here’s s how: 
I have decided that I won’t date anyone my parents don’t approve of, because I love them. My parents won’t be happy if I date a guy outside of their specifications (read – they are picky about caste, sub-caste, mother tongue and a million other things). To make matters even more awesome (I am being sarcastic here) they are strong believers in astrology – Which essentially means that they wont give their blessing to a guy I choose to have a relationship with unless the horoscopes match according to some arcane criteria. My parent’s criteria makes 99.99% of the men on planet earth unfit to date and finding someone compatible in that 0.01% seems like work of fiction. Loving one’s own parents can be hazardous to one’s dating/ romance life.

2. Corny statements don’t make me blush- instead they make me laugh. Like LOL! ROFTL! So if a guy tries to hit on me by coming up with a corny statement- such as comparing me to the moon – my left-brain takes precedence over my right brain. I analyze the statement logically and find fallacy with it. I find it hilarious and respond with sarcasm. This happens to be the best guy repellent in my armor.

3. I cannot flirt. I have no idea how to be cloyingly sweet, attract attention and say the right things at the right time. Thinking about flirting gives me the cooties.

4. I hate the whole process of dressing up for a date and looking good through out the date. Dressing up for a date is way too complicated. Hair needs to be taken care of so that it looks neat (which in my case involves two hours of intensive labor), make up needs to be done, appropriate clothes, shoes and accessories have to be selected. To sum it up it takes a lot of time and effort to look acceptable. The suffering doesn’t end after getting ready for a date – the clothes that make me look good are the ones that make me so uncomfortable that it makes me want to rip it off and burn it. Don’t even get me started on the shoes. I am sure all the nice looking shoes were once used as torture devices in the middle ages. They are designed to kill feet. Why would I willingly want to go through this torture, just so that I look good for him?

5. I will be showing more interest towards food than the guy I am out on a date with. I mean its food – my first love. Food is readily available and comes with no strings attached. Why would I care about how the guy looks/ smiles/ talks when I am already being satiated?

6. My brain has the attention span and self-control power equivalent to that of a monkey high on Prozac during a date – whenever I try to listen to someone I barely know, my brain goes on a hyper drive. Given below is an example of how my brain works when Ilisten to my date talk:

Date: So I went to Princeton for pre-med, finished MD at Harvard.

My brain thinking: Ok this guy is way out of my league. I mean I feel like a baboon compared to him. Why did he decide to meet me? To make me feel stupid? Or does he have fetish for monkeys? May be I look like a monkey to him and that’s why he wants to date me? How come he has such nice straight hair? This isn’t fair, I want to have hair like his. But wait a minute; does he spend a lot of time grooming his hair? Is that even normal for a guy?

This much thought flow in my brain correlates to me looking like Linda Blair from ‘The Exorcist’. This expression of mine happens to be one of the most foolproof way to scare the guy away.

(This picture is the exact representation of how I look)

The list can go on and on. I suck at dating/ romancing a guy. Big deal. Gives me more time to do things I am good at. Or so I tell myself. In retrospect I probably have the “grapes are sour” syndrome. Whatever.

My message to all the awkward single ladies like me – Take pride in being single and hope for someone to invent the love potion.