Top 10 questions asked to a girl who has lost her NRI status

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I decided to move back to India in 2014 after five long years in the United States. Now that I am back to my homeland for good, I am subjected to various questions from relatives, family, friends and acquaintances. I can understand that they are curious and want to know more. But I find their interrogation irksome and would love to give back some sarcastic answers. I refrain from doing so thanks to the threats of disownment by mother dear and end up giving appropriate and (or) awkward answers. These are the top 10 questions asked along with how I would have liked to respond vs. how I actually responded.

1. Why did you come back?

How I would have liked to respond: Excuse me? I thought you were worried about brain drain. I just came back to ease your worries.

How I actually responded: India is an awesome place to be in. I came back to explore the exciting ventures happening here.

2. When will you get married?

How I would have liked to respond: As soon as I can find a guy stupid enough to marry me. Or do you think I should kidnap someone and force him to marry me?

How I actually responded: Soon hopefully.

3. When will you give us good news?

How I would have liked to respond: What kind of good news are you referring to? Are you referring to the ones they show in Bollywood movies, where the girl throws up indicating her pregnancy? Umm let me see. My success rate at seducing men is zero. So probably never. Unless you happen to know of a good sperm bank?

How I actually responded: Soon hopefully.

4. You have become so formal, holding doors open to strangers and saying thank you to cashiers. Is everything ok?

How I would have liked to respond: Yes! Just going through a sickness called ‘decent manners’. Will be rude enough once the sickness leaves.

How I actually responded: I really liked doing such stuff in the United States. Thought it will be nice if I could do the same here.

5. How are you feeling right now?

How I would have liked to respond: Feeling extremely overwhelmed because of your nosy questions. As a matter of fact I am feeling so overwhelmed that I could punch you in the face right now.

How I actually responded: I am feeling great! I am so happy to be back!

6. Did you become a drunkard after going to America?

How I would have liked to respond: Yes uncle! I was famous for it. It was me who peed in front of your house after my drinking session last night.

How I actually responded: I don’t drink uncle.

7. Do guys and girls live in the same house before marriage?

How I would have liked to respond: Of course we did uncle. FYI, we were also famous for our orgies.

How I actually responded: Such stuff happens only in the movies uncle. Never happens in real life.

8. You must feel so lonely – not being married?

How I would have liked to respond: Spot on auntie!! I am so lonely that I am going to build my own ice castle like Queen Elsa from Frozen and sing, “Let it go”.

How I actually responded: Its not so bad. I live with my parents, so I do have company. I am very busy with a bunch of things right now and I have no time to think about marriage or loneliness.

9. You must missing walking around in Bikinis?

How I would have liked to respond: Yes auntie, I desperately miss showing off my flab and cellulite deposits.

How I actually responded: I never wore bikinis auntie. I never felt comfortable wearing them.

10. Do you miss ‘freedom’?

How I would have liked to respond: Wait what? Did I miss something? Last I checked India was a free country. Did something happen that will make me miss ‘freedom’?

How I actually responded: Not really. My parents are pretty cool and let me do what I want. I am doing everything here that I would do in Los Angeles. So I don’t miss ‘freedom’.

Coffee lover, data miner, gobble monster and Mad - hatter