The Lost and Found Research Paper of a Daughter-in-Law

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Before, I get into the details on my parents – in- laws’ biography; I would like to direct your imagination first. I request your due attention, so you may have a proper picture in your mind.

Name: Monster in Law

Date of Birth: Scientists believe, she came into existence as a result of dinosaurs’ death when the meteor hit the earth millions of years ago.

Favorite Dish: Deep fried Daughter-in-law brains with extra garlic sauce and spices.

Hobbies: World War – 1 & 2, currently working on creating World War 3.

Mark of Identification: Human Blood stains around the perimeter of her mouth.

Details: Researchers have recently found that there is an unknown creature that is responsible for the extinction of vampires on earth. The report further states that after eating all the vampires on the face of the earth, now this creature has slowly started to consume human brains as a replacement to satiate its hunger. An advanced study shows that there are more people dead on account of being eaten by this creature every year than by other causes like natural calamities or wars.

Manner of eating: This creature directly attacks the human brain. It uses words, then tentacles and starts frying the brain. Once the brain is fried, it is consumed in all its entirety in minutes! Then the creature continues to eat the dead body!

While reading the above report in the newspaper, I slowly started to realized that I know a creature like that and so do a lot of women. Some of us survive this creature every day, while others have their brains fried and consumed. This report awakened  the otherwise strife-ridden, World Daughter-in-Law Association, and finally gave this creature, the name of “Monster-in-Law” but some people also call it “Mother in Law” due to fear of persecution or fear of being eaten alive by this creature.

The United Nations is said to have called an urgent meeting to find a solution to control the population of these creatures, as they are speedily wiping out women race from the face of the earth by consuming their brains at an alarming rate – within 24 hours. This creature is said to be harming itself and is said to wipe out all of women race in a few years. Fathers-in-law, sons and daughters of this creature were first under consideration to stop it from self-consumption, but it was decided as futile because this creature wore blinders that only caught daughters-in-law in its radar. So a legislation has been passed to empower the victims of this creature, to control its self-destructive nature.

It has been suggested by the committee that the primary victims needed to be empowered with dinosaur-like qualities to stop this destruction. They have designed a course called, “How to save your life from monster-in-law”, which all daughters-in-law can avail of, for free! If a daughter-in-law cannot go to take the classes, manuals in coded language are made available by post.

I have summarized three of the important points from this manual:

1. Play Dead: As soon she approaches you, just fall on the ground and play dead.  She does not like the motionless human body, as her goal is to fry an active woman’s brain.

2. Act like a Dinosaur: Be more ferocious than her. Shout louder than she does and show your fangs before she comes close. Such behaviour is said to put her in her place and stop her from frying your brains.

3. Address her with titles of her choice: She enjoys and loves to be called, “Queen”, “Malkin” and “The Great Lady with a perfect body”use these titles at your own risk as calling her with these titles may only reduce her rage but she may still eat you if you do not practice number 1 and 2 frequently.

I can vouch for this manual because from the time I have started employing 1 and 2, my mother-in-law has been maintaining safe distance from me. Relations between my husband and I have also improved, since I am dealing with my own problems. I am also developing more confidence and strength to stand up for myself and fight my own battles. I use 3 sparingly, but when I do, it works. So do get your manual soon and spread the word among other Daughters-in-law, before our race gets consumed.