A Kind of Detailed Guide to The Fauna of Durham University (Collingwood Edition): Part 2

As promised, this week I give you the second and as of now, final installation of “A Kind of Detailed Guide to The Fauna of Durham University (Collingwood Edition)”. The first installation is available here —> http://www.thebrowndesi.com/lifestyle/a-kind-of-detailed-guide-to-the-fauna-of-durham-university-collingwood-edition-part-1/

• The Buzzed Lightyear (Male): With a particular proclivity for a certain “happy leaf”, this native Indian creature is named so for its constant state of…let’s call it “heightened awareness”. Hailing from the land of DDLJ, the Buzzed Lightyear is characterised by its strong sense of patriotism. Despite its rather calm disposition, the Buzzed Lightyear becomes rather aggressive when its homeland is insulted. While its code of honour does not permit it to attack females, it is yet to be seen what the Buzzed Lightyear will do when a male insults its homeland. In terms of its mating habits, the Buzzed Lightyear has a powerful, albeit unfulfilled mating instinct. Its physical appearance is of intrigue to females but somewhere down the line they move on to different mates. Little is known as to why this phenomenon occurs with regard to the Buzzed Lightyear.

• The Cowboy (Male): An unfortunate choice in Halloween costumes has left this Bulgarian with a title it detests. A lot of this distaste has to do with its homophobia and the movie “Brokeback Mountain”. With a horde of “interesting” animal facts in its arsenal, The Cowboy entertains the members of its pack with facts and opinions ranging from “what does a dog’s penis look like?*” to “how to do it with sheep**”. Most interesting though are The Cowboy’s mating habits. With a raging libido that make it almost salivate at the sight of a “fit” female, The Cowboy is quite monogamous in its mating habits. It frequently migrates to Italy for short periods of time to meet its mate. In order to maintain its “GQ Model” appearance, The Cowboy is most often spotted at the gym.

(* A lipstick   ** It involves wearing long boots)

• The Hawking (Male): With tan skin and an intellectual vibe, The Hawking originates from the sun kissed land of Spain. The Hawking is consumed by its desire to understand the universe in all its infinity and therefore spends a lot of its time away from its pack, in the library, crunching numbers. There are days when The Hawking ceases to speak in the middle of a conversation stating that it’s “too tired to continue speaking in English”. These are often after marathon sessions at the library. The Hawking has a weakness for tequila. Consumption of the same causes The Hawking to start shouting out politically incorrect material presenting a radical change in its normally mild disposition. The Hawking prides itself as someone who appreciates beauty. And by beauty it means “fit girls”. Upon spotting a fit girl, The Hawking often nudges this narrator, gestures towards the girl, and smiles “the creepy smile”. Despite this “appreciation for beauty”, The Hawking is strictly monogamous and frequently migrates back home to Spain to visit its mate.

• The Koala (Female): Indigenous to Perth (“Perf”), Australia, The Koala is the youngest member of the pack. Known for the unique sounds it makes (it prefers to call it talking), The Koala frequently makes sounds like, “Oh golly!” or “Swapsie Wapsie”. Despite being the youngest member of the pack, The Koala possess a strong nurturing instinct. This is possibly due to the several younger siblings it has helped raise back in its homeland. The Koala’s pheromones are rather potent to certain male members of its pack. While monogamous when committed to a mate, upon the termination of a relationship, The Koala enjoys exploring different options. It has an affinity for relationships that involve “playful fighting”. When running out of jokes to make in a conversation, the chirpy and energetic Koala repeats phrases said by others in a high pitched voice. The Koala enjoys its time for quite contemplation, sometimes just lying in bed and staring into the distance for several hours at a stretch.

• The Redcoat (Male): Hailing from the gold plated land of Kent, The Redcoat is a direct descendent of those who colonized India. With a £3,000,000 estate (and stables), The Redcoat possess all the tell tale signs of its privileged upbringing. One could say it resembles a brunette Richie Rich. Known far and wide for its poor life decisions, it is theorized that The Redcoat’s brain is directly connected to its genitalia. Further investigation is required to confirm this. The Redcoat possess a rather dry sense of humour and often struggles to draw the line between appropriate and offensive. More often than not though, The Redcoat is quite entertaining. By the number of love bites on its neck, and the variety of women at its arm, one can assume that The Redcoat has a raging sex drive and is highly polygamous. This could be a possible explanation for why The Redcoat takes ill almost every week. The Redcoat is also the only herbivore in its pack.

• The Utahan (Female): Having forsaken Mormonism, this American has had a rather adventurous life thus far. From modelling, living off free meals via dates for a month, to paying rent by selling plasma, The Utahan likes to live life on the edge. It is proficient in several activities, such as fixing cars, skiing, rowing, singing, playing guitar, ballet, and chugging down a pint of beer in under 5 seconds. To identify the inebriated Utahan, one needs to look for the tell tale “smile”. It is the classic “my brain is on sabbatical” look. With regard to its mating habits, The Utahan is slightly bicurious and enjoys keeping tab of the number people it has kissed and where. Otherwise, The Utahan prefers monogamy and is emotionally invested in its mates. The Utahan is excellent at giving advice and is a faithful companion to the dwindling female members of its pack.

I have now given you a list of the major fauna in The Kingdom of Durham (Collingwood Edition). Commencing next week will be entries of my time in the wild and how I fair in this strange land.