The reason I am writing this post is because I feel I must write it for the sake of a lot of people, especially women, looking for that ‘perfect’ one. There are quite a few stories on this already and some are on this very blog as well, but none of them have explored the desperation of a single woman wanting to get out of the state of being single. I am here to address that.
Being an Indian woman in her twenties isn’t easy at all, because everyone is concerned about you settling down, so much so that whenever anyone sees you or hears you (over the phone), that is pretty much the only thing they ask. Being a ‘feminist’ or so I thought of myself, I always put up a strong face and dodged all the questions, but within I was desperate to get out of that state. I was fed up of people asking me the same question every time. I was in the US then and logically it would seem that things might have been easier since I was away from my family, but it was worse, because even though I had a lot of friends, I was lonely. And no one ever told me that loneliness is a permanent state, whether you are single or double. To make it worse, I was looking for the ‘perfect’ one and that much-talked about ‘connection’!
I have that wisdom only in retrospect, but at that time I, out of desperation, put myself on match.com, although I disliked such ‘intentional’ ways of meeting people. I was of the mindset that if it has to happen it will, but didn’t have any faith in that very statement. Needless to say, I did meet a couple of weirdos. One of them was an author of a few self-help books and apparently a tarot reader had told him specifically that he would meet an Indian girl. He even invited me to his house on our first meeting, which was for around two hours and every moment I wanted to run away from there because he was standing or sitting too close for comfort! I did end all communication with him after that first meeting.
But the state of desperation usually leads to some mistakes and it led me to one as well. I met this guy who I thought was the perfect one, through that web site. And I thought he was the perfect one because we had great email exchanges. I always fell for intellect and people who sounded ‘romantic’. If a guy described sunset or some such thing to me, I would think that he was perfect for me. And he did – not exactly sunset, but he loved nature. We had several email exchanges over a couple of months before we met. And we finally met!
Imagine what a desperate person like me would have been thinking – I was ecstatic! I thought he was THE ONE even before we met because we somehow seemed to have this connection. On our first meeting we spent almost 8 hours together – talking and talking about everything under the sun! That was it – that did it for me. I am a sucker for talks and that too philosophical or intellectual (take this with a pinch of salt, because everyone’s definition of that word is different). So obviously I expected that we would meet again and again after that day, but he never called after that, for almost a week!
I was sad, depressed and was feeling terrible, because we had this connection, right? And then he called me after a week of me leaving him messages and emails. Even our once-in-two-days emails had come to a stand still by then. When he called after a week, again my hopes rose and we met again! This time he got a movie to my apartment, for us to watch together. In our first meeting he mentioned a film, one of his favourites, that he wanted me to watch and that of course, set my imagination rolling!
After round two, the same sequence repeated itself – no calls or emails from him! And this time I just kept crying non-stop, because they NEVER came after that. When I look back now, I feel like an idiot for crying profusely for days, but at that time, I was almost on the verge of killing myself – in hindsight, it was not because he didn’t respond, but because I was feeling single and lonely, yet again!
That feeling of ‘connection’ just took my focus off my loneliness and since I believed that ‘everyone must settle down’ sometime, I kept pitying myself. Now several years later, I realize the pressure I had put myself through to find someone and I know a lot of women and men out there, that are going through the same thing. We are all scared of being alone and that’s what drives us to such desperation.
But having been there, let me tell you that ‘connection’ is overrated. It’s just a cover up for loneliness. It’s not that when you love someone there won’t be any connection, there will be, but it will be real (not the sunset type) and easy. It’s quite vague, I know, because one has to experience it to know it. But don’t let the marriage pressure get to you – because it’s better to stay single than to find an escape from loneliness in another person. The fact is everyone is lonely, some people just learn how to be alone (when you accept loneliness).
So, good luck with the search after you have learnt to be with yourself and till then, make mistakes but don’t brood for as long as I did – two months over two meetings! 🙂